A New Person

So I've been putting this post off for a while. Why? Who knows. Call it the procrastinator in me. But I figured it's about time I put it out there. There's not really ever a time I know what God is doing. Nine times out of ten, I see it in the aftermath. This is one of those nine.

Back in June, when I moved back down to Florida, everything in it was against my will. I never wanted to live back down here again. I had tried so hard to escape here, that it seemed going back would be a step back. But my options where so very limited. I am very thankful God gave me the resources to fly my brother up to help me drive down. If I hadn't done that, I probably would have chickened out and not come down at all. But things were set, and I couldn't change them. Even when I got down here, it was a battle. I spent a lot of time sitting on a couch depressed. I couldn't find a job, I didn't have any money, once again I was depending on someone else to take care of me, because I couldn't do it on my own. I thank God for my dear friend who enabled me to move down here and get this life of mine going again. For that's exactly what the move did.

It wasn't until I got back down here that I realized how messed up I really am. Some of you may be surprised by that. Others of you who know me really well won't be. I have been a wreck most of my life, but I hid it well. I started going downhill as a teenager. All through high school and college and life after college, until this June, I was living a life that was not really fulfilling, not really whole, not really there. When I got back into the environment that I grew up in, where there were people who knew me from way back when...when I drive around and remember my life...It's hard. So many mistakes I made. So many relationships that went wrong because I didn't really know how to have a relationship. It's only since I've been down here and have taken a really hard look at myself through the eyes of who I am now that I realize the wrongness of who I was. That's not to say everything I did was bad. Far from it. But my inner life, my emotional and mental life, was far from where it should have been. My struggle with my self esteem was intense, though not many knew it. I found my self-worth in other people and what I could do for them. I never thought of myself as co-dependent, although now that's what I know I was and still am. The past few months have been times of intense revelation for me into the essence that is me. And what I see disgusts me, hurts me, intriques me, and heals me.

I am NOT who I was. The meek, abused, self-pitying, unfulfilled, codependent girl I was is no more. I had no idea what God was thinking when He led me back down here. But if He hadn't of, I never would have seen myself from the other side. This kind of thing could only have happened in the place where it started. I look at life from a whole new angle. I feel freer than I EVER have in my life. I am not the person I was in high school. Not the person I was in college or in New Brunswick. I'm not even the person I was when I left Maine. I am new. I am happy. I am healed.

This song came out about the time I moved down here. God planned for it to, I know it. This became my anthem when I realized the struggle and the fight going on inside of me. It's like the writer of the song had looked into my soul and knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling, especially in the first verse and chorus. If you're finding yourself in my shoes today, I hope it will comfort and speak to you as it did to me.



Whatever You're Doing~Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

I am starting a Celebrate Recovery step study in January at my church. I look forward to the further blessings God is going to bring to me through this. I have wasted a lot of time on things that to this day are no matter. I can't get that back again, but I can make the most of what I have now. And I hope that, the next time you all see me, you will notice a change. I have.